Coked up PetSmart Hamster

So I went to PetSmart today to buy food for my fatass dog and I always stop by to see the cute little hamsters cause they're adorrrrrrrable.

I'd get one, but I have had like hundreds and they all end up getting out, or me purposly letting them out in the woods, or ya know...dying...cause I forgot to give them water.


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#1 When The Hamster Gets Loose In Your House And Your Mom Has To Call The Exterminator So It Doesn't Crawl In The Wall, Die, Rot, and Smell Up The Place.  

So when I was little I was obsessed with hamsters and I got my first one. I was a teeny little fireball and was all jacked up about this little fuzz ball. Cause okay all my siblings had animals like a bird and a farret and a fish and whatnot and I wanted a hamster. So my mom gets me this hamster and I named it Fluffy and she was tan and lovely. Well you know those like plastic tunnels that you put in the cages so that they can crawl in and get to like different chambers in the cage? Well I had a shit ton of them and they were like all over the place and it was fantastic cause this hamster had its own like...hamster maze palace. So one day I guess one of my siblings were playing by it and knocked it and one of the tunnels fell off and my hamster got out and no one knew for like....a day. So I finally notice and freak out cause uhh FLUFFY IS MISSING!!!!???!
So we all searched around and couldn't find it so my mom had to call and exterminator. Well I kinda freaked cause they were gunna KILL Fluffy here. But she told me that the exterminator has a super hamster radar that can detect where it is and catch it. So bye bye Fluffy.

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#2 When You Get Two Opposite Gender Hamsters Together That Eventually Reproduce And Make A Shit Ton Of Hamster Babies That Go Crazy And Want To Kill You, So You Leave Them In The Woods Somewhere So They Can Make There Own Little Evil Hamster Colony Far Far Away.

So after loosing Fluffy, my mom felt kinda bad and got me another hamster I named Ester. Well, I felt like Ester was lonley so I got another hamster I named Elenore. Well, Elenore turned out to be an Elton and helped make a little batch of baby hamsters. So that was really neat that we had baby hamsters an all, but then incest happend and it snowballed into a giant orgy of hamster sex and BAM! 43 babies later.... well, we called the pet stores around town and no one would take them for whatever reason and I couldn't stick my hand in the cage to get any of them out cause if you touch a baby hamster then the mom will eat it cause it has a human scent on it (I learned that the hard way) and then it would turn into a giant hamster cannibalism. So my dad had the bright idea of taking the hamster cage and driving it a few miles down the road and walking it into the woods, opening the door to the cage and running for our lives. I was kinda sad about leaving these poor guys out in the cold, but my dad assured me that they are wild animals that will eventually form there own colony like ants do.

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#3 When You Think You Want A Hamster Really Bad, But Realize You Have No Time To Take Care Of It And Eventually Forget About It and It Dies.

So when I was in high school I thought it would be fun to try and get another hamster. I did, and I named him Lahiam....he was a Jewish hamster. Well, after about two weeks it I kinda stopped playing with him and he kinda faded into the background an all and I would only remember to give it food and water when my parents reminded me. So this one month, my parents went out of town and all was gravy until the month ended and they were coming home and I suddenly remembered I had a hamster. So kinda I panicked and threw his dead hamster corpse in the trash and when my parents got home they saw him and I got in trouble of course and my mom made me go outside WHEN IT WAS MISTING (seriously, in the almost rain) to dig a hole and made me give him a mini ceremony.

After this, I never got a hamster again. BUT my point is...I went to PetSmart and I was looking at the cute little hamsters and there was one that looked jacked up on Coke or Speed and I thought it was like the funniest thing in the world. Like, I couldn't stop laughing and the people there were like...omg calm down you crazy Jew.

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Coked Up Hamster